I overslept this morning because I forgot to turn my alarm on. This has never happened to me before and because of it my daughter was late to school and I was late to zumba. I promised Emme that I would bring her lunch at school today which I always do once a week anyways. I decided to pack myself a healthy lunch instead of eating the fast food that I normally would be bringing so I packed some chicken salad on a low carb tortilla and some grapes. I was proud of myself for making such a good decision and even texted my friend to tell her what I did. But the moment I sat down to eat I got upset.
My daughters school has two tables to the side where parents can sit with their kids during lunch. At those two tables I saw, pizza, chickfila, arbys, subway, and McDonalds. And there I sat with my chicken salad wishing the entire time I was eating anything else. I also sat there thinking about what I could go get myself after I left to make up for not having the “bad food”. I ended up eating a few of Emme’s French fries and then coming right home instead of stopping to grab crap. As much as I want to keep feeling proud, I can’t. I am miserable because I didn’t get to eat that crap food…because I am in a situation where I have to be careful of everything I put into my mouth and its just not fair.
Last week my therapist talked to me about putting myself in a box. He said I chose to put myself in this box by coming and asking for therapy and by getting a personal trainer. (check out my post on voluntary enslavement) And he told me that this is a good thing…well today I didn’t feel like it was such a good thing! It felt like more of a punishment I hate to say.
I am learning that this is just another day on my journey. This journey is full of struggles and today I was faced with one head on. It does suck! It is hard! But I have to move forward. I know that the end result will be worth it. I need to believe that these sacrifices are what is going to get me to that end result. I have to keep believing in myself and my journey. But I wanted to put it out there…because if you ever feel like this, know you are NOT alone. It would have been so much easier to throw in the towel and eat something bad, but what good would that have done?