What is wrong with me?

I have a million reasons to be happy. I have an amazing husband that loves me and all my craziness. I have a beautiful little girl that is healthy and as perfect as she can be. I have a roof over my head and all of my needs are met…yet I have felt for a long time that there is something wrong with me.

Over the last few years I found ways to keep myself busy.  I did volunteer work at a soup kitchen,  became PTA president, subbed at my daughters school and even taught preschool and tutored high school kids. Staying busy allowed me to ignore the fact that I just wasn’t happy. When I felt sad I would eat, or go shopping, because we all know that those two things make you happy!  At one moment I found myself crying in my doctors office because I was just worn out. She wrote me a prescription for some anti-depressant and told me I would feel better soon. Well, I didn’t. So she wrote me another prescription and once again I still didn’t feel better. As my doctor sat writing me a third prescription for yet another anti-depressant, I told her I refused to take anymore. She looked at me and said that she would give me her complete support BUT I had to start working out. She told me that working out would help in the same way an anti-depressant would. And you know what? She was right…well at first she was right. I got a gym membership and starting working out 4-5 days a week.

About 8 months after joining the gym my husband accepted a job transfer. We sold our house and most of our belongings and moved away from the town we had spent 12 years in. As much as I wanted to move away, it was very tough on me. Not having any friends here I joined  a gym with classes hoping to meet some people. This is where things really changed for me. My usual zumba instructor was out and we had a sub. It wasn’t your typical zumba class, this lady was tough and I loved every single minute of it. I stayed after class to chat with her and found out she was a personal trainer and was about to start a boot camp. I immediately signed up!  I received  a free personal training session and my life has been forever changed.

Jessica pushes me beyond what I ever thought I was capable of doing. There are many times when she tells me to do something and I look at her with the “are you crazy” look and then I do it. I walk away from every single session feeling like a freaking bad ass! I know that I am hard core when it comes to working out. There is something so rewarding after having a major sweat session at the gym. It makes me feel on top of the world.  But then when I get home I find myself in a constant battle with food. At the gym I can tell myself to do something, but the minute I tell myself not to eat cake…cake is all I think about until I eat it.  For months I have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out what is wrong with me. It had gotten so bad lately that I knew I needed to seek some professional help.

After the first session with my therapist I felt like there was finally someone that understood me. Someone that didn’t think I was crazy…someone that finally could explain what was wrong with me. And you know what? There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I am human…I need to quit being so hard on myself. My therapist told me that my past life experiences has shaped my brain in such a way that at the slightest bit of anxiety, I use food to self-protect. During our last session he told me that our need to self-protect is so strong it will overpower our will. No matter how much I want to tell myself to not eat cake….when that anxiety hits I can’t help but reach for it.  This made so much sense to me. But I want to fix this problem so I asked him how.  He told me that I need to learn to recognize when I am feeling anxious and then consciously make a healthy decision. My therapist is confident that in time I will be able to retrain my brain so that I no longer will self-protect with food. Amazing! Isn’t it? I left my last session knowing that one day I can change this. That I will change this. I am determined to change this. I simply can not allow my past to affect my future anymore.

If you are feeling like me, know that change is possible. You have to want to change and then anything is possible.

3 thoughts on “What is wrong with me?

  1. Shan Davis

    Thank you so much for this blog! This is exactly where I am at this point of my life. I also have every need met, a roof over my head, a decent job, etc. but feel there is still something wrong with me. You touched on something when you said your past has shaped your brain. Now that I think about it, it’s past things that cause a bit of anxiety. I have not started exercising yet but I heard that exercising is the best anti-depressant and the side effect is feeling wonderful! It’s good to know that it all can be changed but only if I want to change!

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  2. Dee

    This is such an eye opener for me. Our need to self protect is so strong that it will overpower our will. I’m letting that sink in. It makes so much sense. And it’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation for so much. Thanks for sharing that.

    Liked by 1 person

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